Why Would You...
I cant speak for everyone, but when I first joined up I looked through the profiles and marked a few as favourites just to be able to easily find them on the list again. I didnt realise the recipient would know! Silly of me, but now that I know, I dont see the point either!
On the other thing, I think no answer at all is easier to take because its more gradual than a sudden "No thank you".
Having received a "Hi, but I don't think it would work out" I tend to feel that no response (which seems to be the preferred response) is a little kinder and less deflating. The first person I contacted emailed me straight back saying he was corresponding with someone, but thanks anyway and wish you well ... I thought this was great - so respectful, maybe not the truth, but a very gentle let down!
I think I would prefer a negative response than no response at all as at least that way you can move on so to speak and not be left wondering.
blessings
Marty
For me I have decided that I will reply to all Waves & Emails. Hopefully as the need arises I can find a few gracious words to smooth over a negative response!
I'm you with Vanessa, well not literally I mean.... Hehehe! I thrive on rejection, so please keep ignoring me, thinking I'm to serious in my photo's, blah, blan, eventually someone will say something nice, want you somebody.... I'm so needy.... hehehe! Well atleast some people think I have a sense of humour... lol
But seriously Naomi, I think we sometimes fear we are giving to much away, and that other's may take advantage, or feel they have POWER over us. Naturally, when we are putting ourselves out there on a limb, we get nervous, at least I do!!!
I am so glad someone asked the question - cos I've got a similar one(s). Can you just open a chat box with someone and say 'hi', or is that rude? Is there some kind of law that says you've got to wave first, or have had a board conversation with them? And what if you are just after someone to chat to at the time and the person looks kinda interesting/fun, rather than you planning to propose by the end of the week? (You know what I mean, I don't mean that literally).
Should you reply if the person who wants to chat with you wants 27 children and you want none, or if they are separated (just for an example) and that is on your no-go list? Or they list themselves as only being after a relationship... and you don't think that is what you want in that case.
Can you chat to more than one person you find interesting, odd question i know. Hmmm
Giselle, I am going to be serious with this post of mine, so, even though most of what I post has an 'edge', this time it want... You have hit the nail on the head. Some people, including myself, just don't care what other peoples profiles are like when wanting to be socialable. I don't know if that comes with life experience, or personality typing, and don't care frankly. I have found growing up that the best way to meet other people, sometimes, is to just say Hi!! I thought that was what a wave meant, so I appreciate your confusion, as I do with Naomi's at the beginning. In fact when I first logged on last week, I waved at everyone, just because I'm a friendly person.... I am happy to talk to other guys too, so if that make anyone think I'm weird, then "I weird" (I'm just being myself, and am not bothered if people think I'm weird). Mind you, i also know there are social norms, so I am happy to stand corrected too. Just keep chatting... We are all grown ups, I hope, and can be charming and not so charming sometimes. I like to live and let live.... Hope others do too...
I'm a little confused too, Giselle. Some guys who have contacted me here have things on their profile that, to me, seem pretty incompatible with mine in terms of a long-term relationship... but of course that doesn't matter in friendship! I'm half tempted to be painfully upfront and actually ask "you live in another state. Do you reckon it's gonna work?" "I want kids and you want to talk about it, what does that mean exactly?" Dating sites really do encourage a person to get WAAAAAAAY ahead of themselves very fast, lol :)
it seems also serious, I know we should take some things seriously but cannot we let just a few slide past now and then, I will happily chat to anyone, you do not have to wave 1st, or anything like that, it is just like sitting on a train and starting up a conversation with someone next you, it is just casual fun and sometimes you can discuss deep and meaningful things with people that you recognise and know a bit better but overall it is just a chat, maybe they should relabelled a chat site this is a really serious and deep and meaningful conversation site where you must be planning to get married before you enter..... it is called a chat site because that is what you do, chat.
I tend to add people as favourites for 2 reasons, i.e. because I want to keep in contact with them and think the various reasons that they are nice... it is not a marriage proposal it is just an indication that I like to stay in contact with them, it is a compliment to them, hopefully it makes them feel good that someone is marked them as a favourite, and as it has been said, it is a good way to find someone rather than trolling through 3000 faces to find that person you are enjoying the company of the other day...
James, I am so with you on this, but perhaps it is just you and I who strike up conversations with strangers on trains, in elevators, in queues, in the supermarket, and here :-). I figure there is no harm in saying hi, but I know some people feel uncomfortable and will only answer if the other person fits their 'criteria'. Which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Then my brain gets in a mess about it. I'm probably over-thinking.
Basically I have no plan to date anyone I've just met anyway (particularly just met online), so there is going to be a lot of getting-to-know-someone time which removes the intensity of it. So I'm open to friendships cos I'm not desperate to find that particular person NOW (okay, sometimes I am, but I'm just not that silly), and because I'm only after one bloke it is possible to be friends with the others (unlike secular dating in which I've noticed it isn't possible to be friends with the opposite sex at all because anyone is fair game, married or not).
For me, I add anyone to my favourites list whose profile I found interesting. Some may have shared an interesting point of view so I add them to my favourites. "Favourite" was morphed into "fans" by the recent upgrade so it muddies the waters a bit. The site suggests using the "wave" to indicate interest so if you wave back out of politeness it may be misconstrued as "interest".
Giselle..I too strike up conversations with strangers...but re your comments, I think it is all about "expectations".
Yep! I like Kendal's take on "expectations". It has taken me years to figure out what some of my (non cyber) Christian female friends were getting so upset about when trying to date someone they met on the internet. They kept telling me how the person they had met had an "amazing profile", and then in person seemed terribly inept (in some way). I tried to take their expectations seriously, but couldn't believe just how much they were gettting disappointed. Then, after many years one of them met a nice (non-christian) guy on RSVP, who had been married twice before (with good reasons I'm sure), and within a week or two of meeting him she was "in love" (enthrall). He treated her like a princess, wouldn't let her cook or lift a finger when she started visiting his house on the weekends. Apparantly, the house was immaculate, furnishings wise, and the location was on the beach, so she was truly taken in by his lifestyle!! I said to her: "if you get married he will expect you to do some cooking and housework every now and then!!", and she said to me:"oh no! He's too much of a good cook, and house keeper!". I then said to her:"if you move into his house (where he had lived with at least one of his ex-wives) you may want to change the seat covers just to add your own touch to your 'nest'?". Her reply:"Oh! No! it's perfect!". Me again: "Well it sounds as though his professional schedule requires him to be away a fare bit on business, are you ready to live out of a suitcase, or be waiting around home for him to come back from late night meetings or trips on business? "Oh, Michael, all his work friends love me, and speak so highly of him, there is no chance I could ever ask him not to travel and I could never ask him to change like that, he's way too professional and considerate of me". "Well, what do your friends think of him, has he met X,Y,Z?", as I was starting to get really concerned... "Oh! Michael, he wants to spend all of his time with me, and says my friends will have to get use to that, and I've been spending all of my time with him, and not X,Y,Z!!". I prayed and prayed with and for her for years to met someone, but why was she heading for such a massively big disappointment when the bubble burst? My summation, after many years, I think it was her age (concerns) that had pushed her so far up against the wall she would do anything to perceive him as "Mr Perfect". She is a georgeous girl, but giving up her friends who had supported her through thick and thin! She comes from a great Christian family, and I have been to church with her and those friends, and away with her, in big groups, numerous times, but I could never understand what she was waiting for. I witnessed her turn forty, and now she's "hiting 50 (her concern, not mine)!!" I just didn't get it! This friend has a Universtiy education, and was level headed for all those years!! Sisters and brothers, if there is one lesson to learn from my friends story, then it's this: date as many people as you can, at least twice, and get to know as many different people on line as you can, because life experience will show you there is no perfect match! It's highly likely you will chat to some real 'drop kicks' to only find they are a great person, with a story, after a coffee or meal or going to the pictures in a GROUP. Ask them to come out with your friends, and let them suss' him out too!! Take a risk, in a group setting. If you haven't got a group of friends, because you are from out of town, join a Church group, or Bible Study, and invite them along to that instead!! Be creative, it's fun!
yes Michael, I have seen the same sort of thing happen with both men and women, I am not quite sure what they are thinking is in taking so long to get around to being married, when they do it takes everyone by surprise and the person seems completely out of left field.
I know of men who have never married, basically because they are not sorted out and come with a tremendous amount of baggage, I have also known women in the same situation. Funnily enough though I have known plenty of ladies that have had several proposals but they seem to sidestep them waiting from Mr perfect. Eventually the biological clock ticks loud enough and they make the jump to lightspeed with someone who seems really unlikely or else the clock stops ticking, they lose their interest and then become fairly bitter 50-year-olds without a partner, burying themselves in their career.
There are plenty of single ladies in the much older age group who have never married that seemed to accept the bar just so high that no one could ever polevault over it. Perhaps setting the bar so high was a protection mechanism to avoid being hurt (again?).
And yes, knocking someone out on the basis of a small misdemeanour can mean you miss out on some real gems. Happy hunting everyone, let us hope we do not do this to each other.
Add someone to your "favourites"- without ever having waved or contacted them at all?
This is not a complaint, it's a genuine question! :) I just don't understand the point of "favourites", I guess, and am seeking someone in the know who can explain it...
EDIT: Just so we have something else to discuss when someone explains it to me ( ;) ) if you wave at someone or send them a message, which would you prefer of these two: a "sorry, I don't think we're compatible, but good luck searching!" or no answer at all?