Is Marriage a Covenant or Conveniece? Or Do the Satistics Tell the Christian Truth?
Well, I can only answer from my experience. Me - Pentecostal; ex-husband - Pentecostal youth pastor. When we got married, it was definitely a life-long covenant for me. And I think for him, too. For me it stayed a covenant, for him, life got in the way. I think he had the right intentions, but for various reasons, didn't have the "inner gumption" to stick at it through thick and thin. I put it down to a few reasons, although it is probably more complicated, although possibly less - lol!
1. He was hurt badly by the church and ministry, therefore his relationship with God suffered and our marriage suffered as a result.
2. He didn't have a Godly example of marriage set by his own parents, so no example to follow
3. His difficulty dealing with anxiety/depression and childhood issues.
I know all 3 points look like I am blaming him for everything, but I guess the question was about covenant - which I did my best to honor right until the end. I posted a few months ago about my struggle with Christian divorce/remarriage, but now I have come to the opinion that my ex-husband released me from my covenant by firstly abandoning our marriage and then getting a girlfriend.
Not sure I really answered the question - lol!
Lisa- you raise a very good point about being "released from the covenant"! I struggle with the Christian teachings on remarriage after divorce (which is odd, as I haven't been married at all yet)- I keep thinking of a young couple (25 or so) at my old church. They had been married since she was around 18 and he only a year older- she got pregnant, but had a miscarriage- and then he left her the same week. He's now remarried. Clearly he wasn't interested in supporting her the way a Christian man should- and that left her at 25 with no baby, no husband, and utterly wretched. Surely, I think, to expect her to live the next 50 or so years of her life alone because HE decided to leave is cruel?
The Bible says a lot of things about how we should act in relationships, but it always, always assumes that there is reciprocal behaviour from the other party. It tells slaves to obey their masters and be trustworthy- it also assumes the masters aren't abusing the slaves. It tells children to obey their parents, but it assumes that the parents are not oppressing or abusing them. I really believe that if one member of any kind of relationship has completely abandoned, for all time, behaving in the way God intended, the other is released from the covenant.
Incidentally, I met a woman at my Christian Singles group recently who struggled because she filed for divorce from her husband. She pointed out, truly, that "divorce" happens LONG before you go to the lawyer's office and sign papers. It's a spiritual thing, and if a spiritual divorce has happened, then a legal dissolution of marriage is merely the formality of it.
Ok guys here we go, talking about the convenant- lets talk about whats after!
I put this forward!
I have been divorced now for 14 years and through this time I have had a couple of relationships that didnt work out, maybe me, maybe not!
After becoming a christian app 7 years ago i was in a defacto realtionship and to get right with God I asked my partner to move out.
Lost this partner - and became alone!
In my mind I go over and over this to what I did then was right but am I now to be spend the rest of my life alone ???
No sex before marriage I get that, but how can you start a relationship with someone AT MY AGE and not be able to move forward.
I know the same yoke and I know NO sex before marriage but believe me I will die a very alone lady if I live by these rules.
Im on the verge when I do find someone, to make it work in the real world, would I Have to give up God until we both get right?
Or do I sin and be a hypocrit in my beliefs?
Any suggestions would be great!
Grace! Grace! Grace! There go I but by the Grace of God.... Well I guess we all know how the Law condemns, but the Spirit gives life, and I can forgive, and forget!! But clearly it is still troublesome to me as to where we draw the line as Christians. I think the Catholic "you only get one chance" theory is possibly a good deterrant (to divorce), to a point, though clearly if people want to marry, after a previous marriage, we will find away (thanks Henry VIII).
The "starter wife" theory? Well I know how it feels to be the "starter husband"!!!! I do know that marriage is a gift, but completeness comes in Christ alone, and if I never marry again, well, I have no regrets, as Jesus'/Father's/Holy Spirit's love for me sustains me and keeps me close!
Many of my Mother's siblings have been married and re-married, one even 4 times! I also believe that there is a spiritual battle going on to break Christian marriages, and we therefore need prayer support, when in the past it could have probably been relied on a bit more, as with a social buttressing of marriage, a bit more too! Some of my parent's friends divorced, and some seperated but go back together to find a life of marriage fulfillment and happiness (or close enough to it), but none of them were Christian (including my parents who divorced after I got married)....
I hope and pray that anyone visiting this site, who is seperated or considering divorce, that you please, please, reach out to a church community that will support you in prayer, and fellowship, and counselling, to understand the full consequences of the spiritual battle that is being waggered against you by the enemy of our Souls (and your marriage). Every battle you win, and every painful moment you endure, will bring you closer together over the long run, and please pray for and with your spouse, as that will help bring God into it, where He is needed the most.
Thank-you so much Margaret for your honesty and for bringing up some really important issues!
We all struggle with different things, but many of us struggle with the same things. For me, there are far worse things in this world than being alone/single. But this has been my life for most of my life, and I love my life! I knew from when I was a child, many years before anyone told me, that sex was for marriage. This is something you have learn't later perhaps but is as important and as you have pointed out a 'defining' belief of Christians. It is something I bring up very early on if I receive interest from someone who I suspect may not share my view on sex & it never fails to help them detatch emotially in record speed!!! A celibate life isn't easy but it is right, and doable.
There definitely are Christian men who uphold this value and we all live in hope of meeting one who will choose to wait for us as we wait for them. All I can say is get yourself into a great church that is active in the community, sow your time and energy into this place, meet some great people of all ages ... can't promise you a marriage partner there, but hopefully you will have lots of fun times.
Hi vanessa,
Thanks for your encouragement.
Ill keep your advice on hand and prayer to live by it when or if I get an interest.
Im so busy that dont even get that lol
I have actually distant myself from my church and my duties that I was doing but still attend bible study and picnics on sundays with my closest church family.
Maybe I should get myself back into it!
I think coming into a christian life later in life does puzzle you sometimes and you can slip back into your own train of thought so easily!
thank you once again.
Hi Vanessa and Margaret!! Thank-you both so much for your honesty on the sex-life we all have, but express in different ways, or repress in the worst of situations. Sex often is the biggest issue a man struggles with in any relationship with a woman. I didn't grow up in the church, and had no idea how someone could live without sex, because it just wasn't modelled in my family environment. In fact, amongst most young people, the word "virgin" was an awful thing to admit, and the stigma, not cool!! So I got 'rid' of mine at 17!!!
Interestingly, one of the people who lead me to Christ, in a Christian Youth Hostel in Amsterdam, was a strong Christian, and the day after I prayed the "sinners prayer" from the tract she gave me, she confessed to me her awful fear of being alone, and her boyfriend wasn't a Christian, and she slept with him for the comfort factor. She didn't always have sex, but if he insisted she found it very difficult to say no.
She was tearful that she setup the situation, where one thing lead to another, and she new she needed to go out in or join a group, and get heaps of love and hugs that way, instead of what she had been accustomed to.
I was gob-smacked, because I thought all Christians just had enough DISCIPLINE, like Army discipline, to resist having sex!! Not so!! In fact soon after I became a Christian, it was some of the most beautiful, innocent, and sweet hearted women at church who lead me astray!! Not casting blame, but it was another shock to the system, especially when as a non-Christian, you just don't imagine Christians being so sexual... Then of course there is the argument about what constitutes sex, and the lines can get very blurred....
Fortunately for my friend in Amsterdam, I had only been a Christian for a few hours, so I couldn't give her a sermon on morality, or behaviorism, or something that would have made her feel awful, and not helped her get to a point where she could express herself, with her boy friend, in a helpful setting, in a mutually satisfying Christian way.
The sex drive is healthy, and needs to be acknowledged, talked about, and hopefully a strategy to express it in a way that doesn't leave an indelible imprint on our souls of what not to do. Song of songs is really cool, and I sometimes write about my feelings, and this helps me express them honestly to God.
Men are very visual, and even when married to a beautiful Christian woman, he can become lustful, and change his bribe into an sex object, which starts in the heart. So married couples need to keep an eye on their sexual expression too, so that it doesn't become to fleshie, and stays wholesome and honest before God.
Fortunately for me, there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, and the habit of sex, and it's stronghold, can be broken, and pulled down in Jesus name. I have also found Jesus can come into memories and emotional healing can follow, and flash-backs healed. Hallelujah, how great is our God!!!
I will build up a stronghold of God over time, in every area of my walk with God, so that the unhealthy thought habits are replaced with new more healthy thought patterns, called 'the renewing of our mind", and this sustains me in my ever increasing reliance on God for emotional wholeness and healthiness.
I'm not there yet, not by a long shot, but by the Grace of God, I am changing, and finding friends of the opposite sex who bang me on the head, when I get out of acceptable behavior zones, without condemning me, like proposing to people on the internet!!! hehehe! (Who, me!!!)
That's as much as I can say, because I haven't all the answers, but open to other's experiences too. God bless!
Wonderful testimony Michael, and transparency. I know it's a bit off your original topic, but something we all have and/or will struggle with as we seek to be true to our God in this current state of singleness! Sad to hear that some 'christian' women acted improperly toward you ... very disappointing, and they will have to answer for what they have done one day.
I knew an engaged Christian couple who split because of the guys lack of self control in the area of sexuality. Strong woman.
I hold fast to the knowledge that God won't allow me to be tempted beyond what I can endure without providing a way out, and greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world, plus no weapon formed against us can stand etc. Lack of self control in our sexuality can rob, kill and destroy the amazingly beautiful things that God has for us (person, experiences). A key one for me, from Song of Solomon I think, "Do not awake love until it so desires". Intimacy is so much more than physical touch, and if a man can not take the lead in this area, by laying down fixed boundaries that we will not cross, I can not trust him with my heart. I'm not Superwoman, I am tempted and have made mistakes, but the 'twofold cord', that is a force to be reckoned with. A prayerful, submitted, commited and adoring couple can make this happen - they can live pure until marriage, and after!
Hi folks, I probably know about as divorce as a raindrop knows about snow-storms. I'm not divorced myself, never been married. but I've watched my folks and my friends, those who have made it and who haven't. I recently dated a guy who was divorced and it made me do a lot of thinking and reading-up. And I've made some classic mistakes myself.
I am both passionate and angry about this topic. Passionate because it is so important (it hurts people!) and angry because I don't think the church teaches very well on it. I'm also a little fearful to wade it, cos it was always going to end up being about sex - and it did. People get funny when you talk about sex in a public forum. So I'll put my, perhaps ill-informed, perhaps 'academic', but certainly not judgemental, 2 bob's worth in, but carefully.
It seems to me that a lot of people divorce because of sex. Not saying this is anyone here, but it seems that people who get sexually involved (to a greater or lesser degree, with their spouse-to-be or another) before marriage end up more often divorced, because sex clouded their judgement about the other person.
Sex was made by God to be addictive! It releases natural drugs into our system. If both have made an informed choice about the other person beforehand (not an arousal-clouded choice) and decided to marry, if for both it is their first experience, then that natural-drug induced bond is for life! Thus the cute 80 y.o. couples utterly enthralled with each other, and the reason arranged marriages usually last.
But when arousal - to multiple partners, porn, fantasy, masturbation, whatever, is outside of that safe bond, then the addiction becomes to sex rather than the person and it is not permanent but requires an increasing 'hit' to get there (thus the popularity of viagra). The source of arousal gets burnt into our heads, but we can no-longer exercise good judgement about it. We feel 'in love', but it doesn't last. Past sexual abuse mucks with the same system, and introduces fear, which makes relationship even more difficult. In people's desire to connect what they throw away is the ability to bond for life, to form deep and lasting relationships. Sexual activity outside of marriage is like stealing from yourself.
But none of us are righteous, not one. The world is fallen and broken. We are not supposed to be the ones breaking covenants - but covenants are sometimes broken.
As Michael said, God can break the bonds and heal us. Time, prayer, confession, repentance, doing life differently - our side of the bargain. Good book on this topic: 'The invisible bond' by Barbara Wilson (abt sex, bonds, and the ability to re-bond after divorce and brokeness).
Yep! I was married, thought is was a Covenant, heard the statistics, and married anyway! Go figure, she was Pentecostal, I was Pentecostal. He Father an Anglican Minister/Vicar/Reverend, (even a Cannon) and we allowed him to marry us. Our marriage was dissolved, then the Reverends! Are Ministers exempt from keeping covenants, because they consider themselves Christian royalty! Serious enough topic to discuss, or just a crying shame....